Intimacy, with myself?

I’ve been very fortunate in love.

Which isn’t to say that I got married and lived happily ever after, or that I haven’t had my share of betrayals and abandonments, heartbreaks and heartaches.  Over the last 30 years, I’ve lived and loved boldly, I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve had my share of all that love has to offer a human heart.  I’ve learned so much, and my life has been very rich.

I’m grateful to all the partners–long term and shorter term—that I’ve had the opportunity to give love fully and freely to, and so grateful for the abundance of love I have received in return.  With each relationship, or maybe through the conscious grieving after the end of each relationship, I have been able to heal a wounded part of myself, and today I find myself experiencing being single in a new way.

I notice that I like myself, that more and more I enjoy being with myself, and that I’m not looking for somebody else to distract me or rescue me from my feelings.  Most importantly, I find that I’m not needing somebody else to validate that I’m worthy of my own love.

I often tell my clients, we can only receive as much love from others as we give to ourselves.  And if we’re looking outside ourselves to get more love, we are not likely to attract it.  Or if we do connect with someone, it’s likely to have the same vibration as the last someone.

Through my lifetime doing this work on myself, and my dozen plus years doing this work with clients, I have come to think of intimacy as the music of love.  And just as I wouldn’t have gotten much better as a guitarist without my many teachers, so too has the quality of the music of love in my life grown through self-reflection, self-responsibility, and mentorship.

What about you?  What is the quality of the music of love playing in your life?  Do you have a mentor to improve your “musicianship?”

I have two openings left in my upcoming Intimacy Makeover 90-day on-line group program starting in mid-April.  It’s a very affordable and life changing program for you if you’re ready to improve the quality of the music of love you’re playing in your life—solo or with a partner.

This program is for you if:

  • You are eager to create new patterns and experience more love and joy
  • You want realistic tools to create more ease & connection in all your relationships
  • You are ready to break the cycle of attracting the same types of unsatisfying relationships

For more information, please check out IntimacyMakeover.com.

Please send me an email to learn more, or we can jump on a quick call to see if it’s the right thing for you at this time.

What is an Intimacy Makeover?

When you think about your past relationships, (or your current relationship if you’re frustrated with the quality of your intimacy), do you find yourself ruminating on what your partner should do, or should’ve done differently?  If only they’d been ________, or if only they would’ve done ______, then it would’ve “worked out.”

Perhaps there’s even been a pattern of behavior that’s shown up across multiple relationships, which has led you to believe that men in general are flawed in this way, or women are deficient in that way, and that’s why you can’t find a satisfactory partner.  Why couldn’t he just do this one simple thing?  Why couldn’t she show up the way you wanted?

Well, I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is, it’s not about “them” and what they’re doing or not doing.  It’s about you.

That’s also the good news, because it means that you are creating your own reality, and you have the power to create a different reality.  But how?

You’ve probably heard the old adage: “Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll keep getting what you got.”  And you might say, well, what can I do differently?  I’m loving, and thoughtful, and generous…that should be enough to be loved!

It is…except it’s not about what you’re doing, it’s about who you’re being, and the power of your beliefs that inform who you’re being, creating a reality that confirms those beliefs.

“Keep being who you are being, and you’ll keep experiencing what you experienced.”

Who are you being?

Are you still being the victim of old wounds from past abandonments and betrayals?  Do you have trust issues?

Somebody else can’t fix that for you.  Even if they try!  In more than one relationship I tried to be the white knight to heal my partner’s deeply held abandonment story, but she just kept raising the stakes of her misery until it was unbearable and I was forced to leave her.  My love didn’t fix her, and ultimately I had to let go of the belief that my love could “fix” a woman.  More importantly, before I could stop attracting women that I needed to save, I needed to accept my arrogance that was underneath that belief, and the even greater challenge of letting that arrogance go.

Who are you being when it comes to love?  What is the quality of your inner dialog? Do those inner voices tell you that you can’t be trusted when it comes to picking partners, or you need to lose weight before you’re lovable?  Do you experience feelings of hopelessness, fear, and frustration when it comes to your relationship with yourself?

Of course we all experience bouts of hopelessness, fear, and frustration in life.  But usually we project those feelings onto something that’s not right “out there” as the reasons for those feelings, and if only we had that thing or that person, we’d be happy.

But when you accept the responsibility of creating your own reality, take responsibility for who you’re being, take responsibility for cultivating new thoughts and beliefs that create your reality, then you attract different people with different behaviors to create different relationships.

Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll keep getting what you’ve got.

And when you register for my Intimacy Makeover program you create the intention to get what you haven’t gotten.

Attract the kinds of relationships you truly desire!  Hit reply and we’ll set up a 15 minute call to see if this program is right for you.

The 90-Day Intimacy Makeover for women begins May 7th,so contact me today! Email lucas@intimacymakeover.com or call (831) 588 0840

Lucas

Harvard study discovers the #1 key to a fulfilling life

I was recently listening to a TED talk about a 75-year study by the Harvard psychology department, exploring the question of what brings the greatest happiness and satisfaction over a lifetime.  The study followed a group of undergraduate men, as well as a group of Boston area men who didn’t attend college.
At the start of the study in the 1940s, 75% of the participants said getting rich was very important, and some 50% said they wanted to be famous—a result similar to Millennials who were asked the same question today.
But over the course of the study, following up with the same participants every two years or so, what became clear was that the real key to life-long happiness and satisfaction, were close relationships, particularly the kind of reciprocal relationships that the participants knew they could lean into during life’s most challenging times.
In other words, what proved to be most important for happiness and satisfaction for both the financially successful participants, as well as the less financially successful participants in the study, were family, close friends, and particularly, long-term relationships (LTR).
Perhaps the conclusions of the study seem obvious.  All humans share a need for connection, safety, love, touch and intimacy; however, relationship dynamics have changed dramatically over the past few generations. Families are scattered across the globe. Friendship and even communities seem to come and go.  Many of the old assumptions about love itself have gone out the window in the modern world, and successful relationship doesn’t fall so clearly under the “live happily ever after with one partner for the rest of our lives” model anymore.  And finding satisfying love is more challenging, complex, and volatile than ever.
As an intimacy coach, empowering men and women to create more love in the world is my life’s purpose, and though I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’ve spent a lot of time asking questions that have led me to present my new webinar:
You will learn:
  • A new perspective that illuminates the complexities of the modern relationship dynamic
  • The 6 cornerstones of a successful relationship
  • How to navigate a world of differing needs, wants and desires
Do you want to know more about how to have a loving, long-term partnership?